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The Birds, The Bees and The Bow Cheeky Bow Wow

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So… you know that dreaded moment in the life of a parent when he/she has to have that little chat with the kiddo and explain certain truths of life… Little things like “if kids come from mum’s belly how did they GET in there?”… For THAT I would be prepared… hell… I even had the discurse rehearsed in my head (I wanna be a cool daddy… so I decided I would never lie to the kiddos in things ) but NOTHING could have prepared me for what happened…

You see… The Big Monkey is quite internet savvy… So I have blocked access to a variety of websites from the one computer he has full access to while he is with me. So when he went to one of his usual sites to play online games/watch zombie animations (yeah… he likes zombies right now…) I didn’t pay much attention and went to the kitchen to get biscuits with Little Monkey leaving him to his own devices.

When I came back I noticed him laughing to what looked like a Ben 10 Character so I went to see what he was laughing about… My heart skipped a beat, my jaw fell and I was speechless for what seemed like an eternity (it was about 5 seconds… but still…) He was watching Ben 10 indeed… but the girlie was fighting a monster with 3 snake like cocks and they were… well… I don’t really need to describe the whole scene, do I?

The monkey had accidentally discovered Hentai… And he thought it was funny… Erm…

After telling him to close it (I think he kinda noticed the urgency of it when I told him because he looked kinda startled… and he shut the whole window… he never does that… he usually shuts only tabs…) I texted his mum asking her if she wanted me to wait til I delivered him tomorrow so we could all sit and have a chat or if I should just go agead and do the talk of the birds and the bees myself… Her answer was simple : You said you’d do the talks!! See, if we’d had girls instead…”

Yeah… ┬áNot a lot of help… But hey… I gave my word… I’d do the boy talks… she’d do girl talks (Shame we only had boys really… damn…).

Now… it is kinda hard to know how to start the Birds and Bees chat if no one ever had it with you… Yeah… I’ve learned with books and chats to friends… AND the World Wide Web (which was a lot smaller when I was 15). So… we had our little chat… was a lot les awkward than I thought it would be… Guess it pays to simply being open and not bullshit around with metaphors etc… Mind you… not THAT open… There is still time for that and let the child be a child, right?!!?!? I think I’ve covered the basics… I’m sure I had told him most of it before anyway (Monkey is too damn curious!!!) And I have answered most of the questions he had…and promised to answer SOME of the other ones when he is older… Then we went on to play “Fight for the Ball” Our own little version of rugby… but prison rules apply… Nothing like a little of rough and tumble to take yer mind out of awkward things, right?! :-)

Quick question… Have you ever thought on how you will do it when yo HAVE to do it? And if you have already had that chat… how was it?!?!? I’d REALLY love to know to be honest… just to make sure I didn’t make too much of a fool out of myself… LOL!

Okay… I think I’ve rambled enough for today… just got one more thing to pick on… WHO THE HELL INVENTED THE TERM BIRDS & THE BEES?!?!?! I mean… lets analyse that… Does it make any sense?!?!? Is like, you are using a metaphor trying to not give too much info to your kid… and at the same time you are telling your child that is OK to have loads of sexual partners… I mean… is that what birds and bees have in common isn’t it?!?! The “visit loads of flowers and polinize each of them”… Bit of a┬áconundrum, no?!?!?!

I vote for changing the name of the term from “The Birds & The Bees” for “Bow Cheeky Bow Wow”…

Who’s with me?!?!?!


16 comments

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  1. I don’t know whether the term birds & bees was used before the song “let’s Do it” ( birds do it bees do it, even educated fleas do it….. You can google the rest) but whichever came first, that song makes me chuckle.

    Of course my DD asks all the complicated questions when we are in public, and never quite the way I expect, but we muddle through….

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    • LOL! yeah… it does make you wonder…
      I heard PC Plum singing today “If you call one me, we can have a cup of tea and I’ll tell you all about the bees and birds and mice…” made me giggle… and erm… makes you wonder what he means… LOL!!!!!!

      Yeah… public gems are ALWAYS in order… LOL!!!!

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  2. ROFL! Oh to have been a fly on the wall! How the hell do you explain Hentai!

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    • That was the easy bit… He knows there are gams for over 18s so I told him there were cartoons for ovr 18s too… he knows not to do things for over 12 (that the limit we set for him) so that’s pretty safe… ;-)
      The hard bit… was to explain what the hell was the monster doing to the girl… LOL!

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  3. Whoops, bet that was interesting! I had not thought of my son ever finding Hentai… can’t say I know how I’d react to that if he did except maybe screaming my head off and panic rushing through my mind as to what to say next.
    I do think for boys to find out about all that best hearing it from daddy. I too learnt about B&Bs from education and not from my parents telling me. I remember in school we watched a video on it all, all I remember was a family in their house all naked and narrator telling us about their bits and how they look slightly different as you grow older. It was odd, but I think it got the message across.
    And yes Bow Chicca Wow Wow would be best. Although every time I hear that I think of Red vs Blue… I love Halo too much clearly!

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    • Interesting? yeah… you can say that alright!!! LOL!
      Our kids are raised by the internet!!!!! I just found a Facebook for kids my son’s school is part of… quite funky!!!! :-) It’s all monitored by the teachers which made me laugh when his teacher told me of a message he sent to a few of his school friends talking about bunking classes… LOL…
      How does Bow Cheeky Bow Wow makes you remember Red Vs. Blue ?!?!?!?!
      (Gonna have to play against you some time!!!!!! ;-) )

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  4. My son is 19 – I have had THAT chat! I have always, like you, believed in straight to the point but in a manner age related. I think to be honest they hear most of it in the playground sadly (yes even at 5!) and it is a case of dispelling the urban myths as much as education!!

    On a side note I now do the opposite with the 19 YO and speak in metaphors which I, not he, finds funny, like if you are thinking of having a shower pack a raincoat or If you use it without one you will get in s**t, lots of nappy s**t! (nappy poo is his worst fear and he can’t stand me to change his 1 YO brothers nappy in the same house!)

    Hey good luck I am sure you did a cracking job x

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    • LOL… yeah… couldn’t agree more. I got ganged up by a mob of his friends asking me stuff the other day. Apparently I have a reputation of being Dadda Cool or something like that…
      The Shower Cap metaphor is a MUST… will make sure I use it when my boys are older… LOL!!!!
      Thank you… Hope I did do a good job. :-)

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  5. well, some birds have one mate for life, not so? I’m pretty sure. But either way, I think it’s time I start building a dungeon to lock my kids in till they’re say 30 or 35? Then I NEVER have to have ‘the talk’ ;)

    Nah, just kidding – I think it’s good that you’re doing it and not leaving it up to some kid at school who’s had too much exposure to porn! Still glad it’s not me though!

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    • S’pose so… I still think bow cheeky bow wow has more of a ring to it tho… LOL!!!!
      Oh!!!!! A dungeon sounds like a plan!!!!!!! ;-)
      don’t worry… you’ll get there… and at the pace kids are going these days will be pretty soon! (good luck!) lol!

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  6. I don’t think I’ve ever had a “talk” but just answered questions as they came along. I did buy a book for my oldest because there’s somethings they don’t want or know to ask and you don’t think to tell them, and it also addressed changing feelings towards your parents as they grew up.

    My big question came over Sunday Roast, all around the table – “Mommy, how do the sperms get into you to make a baby?”

    Good luck all.

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  7. Heh heh heh! You lured me in with the lego people and the Bow Cheeky Bow Wow!

    Oh yes I had to have ‘the chat’ with my eldest a few years back. It is all a bit hazy now, I plied myself with gin and started rambling on about stuff that embarrassed myself. I think he was too busy feeling embarrassed about his drunken mother using phrases such as ‘try and steer clear of the Net it’s all cream pies and midget porn’.

    Still awaiting my Services to Motherhood Award.

    Any day now…

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    • No worries hunny… even if you hadn’t had Gin you would still feel embarrassed… ;-)

      Cream Pies and Midget Porn?!?! did you ACTUALLY tell him that?!?!?! LOL!!!!

      LEt me know when the Award arrives!!!!! :-) heheheh

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