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2 months on and a letter to my Littlest Monkey…

Hey Monkey…

Today you are 2 months old… I wish I could be there to hold you tight and kiss your little head… To give you a big daddy bear hug and see you smile like I’ve seen that one time last time I saw you…

It’s been 1 month since the last time I held you… I can only imagine how much you have developed in all this time… It is harder and harder to get news from you… I wish me and your mum could have stayed friends if nothing for your sake… but God only knows what goes on in that mind of hers… I won’t say anything more about that… There is nothing to say honestly as she won’t even reply to any way I try to contact her trying to organize things so I can see you… So I can hold you in my arms again… spend time with you…

Tommy asks about you every time I go see him… He wants to know when he’ll be able to see his Connor again… It hurts every time he asks that because I have no idea when that will be… I wish (I hope) Alex can get to know and grow in contact with you more often… Vovoh Vera (that’s how you will call my mum if I get to teach you some portuguese) asks me almost everyday if I have news from you… It is getting hard to have to explain to her every day that I don’t… I really do wish your mum would be a little more reasonable…

I was chatting to aunty Kathia the other day… showing her your photos… Sha asked me how I’m feeling… She was worried that I didn’t get to bond with you much… less than 7 hours since you were born 2 months ago… is not  much to go on… I don’t know your habits, I don’t know what makes you simile… I haven’t even ever changed one of your nappies… My answer to her was simply that I love you just as much as your brothers no matter what and her asking and making me think about it only came to confirm that…

Things are not to good today… But I promise you they will be better soon… I promised you I’d always be there…. and THAT is a promise I will do everything in my power to never break…

I dream of the day when I’ll be able to hold you again… Soon my littlest monkey… soon…

It’s hard not to keep my head over the water… hard to keep afloat and not drown… But everything will be alright…

I just need you to know one thing: DADDY LOVES YOU!

THAT will never change… I am not giving up on you my son.

Hope you can feel the big daddy bear hug I’m sending you now…

Love,

Daddy


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Don’t push the red button

I haven’t been sleeping much lately… I tend to wake up at some stupid hour in the middle of the night and go wide awake for hours… That doesn’t help at all when I can never seem to be able to go to sleep before 2am anyway…

But that has given me a lot of time to think and examine myself… Or torture myself as I end up doing most of the time anyway… I have an incredible capacity to self-destruct, and I am at my worst when I am at my happiest.

I am the biggest saboteur of great things in my life.

Yeah… It is stupid… I know… And I hate the way my mind works… And in special, I hate the way it affects everyone around me, the people I love the most… Specially as when it does happen I close myself and never let them help pick up the pieces… I don’t know how to let people help me… Yeah… I do open myself when I can’t handle it anymore, but I can count in my fingers of one hand the amount of people that knows how to reach me when that eventually happens.

I NEED to be able to trust people… And I will do it given half a chance… Until a small crack taints that trust and casts doubts over simple things… If I don’t trust you, you won’t know what’s between the lines of the open book that is my life.

I fall in love daily, more than once… and out of love almost at the same speed because of that too…

I love unconditionally… But that is rulled by terms and conditions…

I was talking to Vic the other day… she was surprised about a recent development in my life… After asking me why I hadn’t told her before she thought better and  said she shouldn’t been surprised really as I haven’t really told her much in a long while… Even after a year she still knows me better than most… That made me smile..

My mind is a strange place to be at times…

But I guess we all have this unique crazy little thing that makes us who we are…

I’ve found LOADS of them over the past year or so… Hou about you? What makes you tic? Ever stopped a second to think about that?

 


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Inspiration

We find inspiration in the most unexpected places… But if you are reading tis blog you probably already know that.

Today I found mine waking the kentish tracks and fields and hills and talking about building databases and corporate politics with my step-dad.

We went out for an afternoon stroll (in his terms… in my terms aI call a 5mi walk up and down the hills through little paths that you can’t always see a bloody hike… am I right??? 😉 )

One way or another it was a great walk. It gave me time and the inspiration to clear up some ideas I had for Action Stations… And get an outsider’s view about some plans I’ve head turning in my head for quite a while… Things that might veer the direction of the company to a whole new way…

It cleared up some stuff I had in my mind on a personal level too…

Incredible what a walk in the fresh air can do to you… I need to remember to do that more often… Breathe…

(more…)


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Back to The Attic

I am Back in the Attic!

Did you ever hear that sometimes to be able to give 2 steps forward you need to give 1 step backward? Well… I hate to admit that… but this time I will have to agree with the old say…

You se… I am the sort of guy the usually pushes forward in any circumstance… some times too far… But I usually refuse to step back when I believe I’m right… That has landed me into a load of trouble throughout my life. It has also pushed people I love away…

I have a small problem with boundaries… I tend to see them… the walls that people buid… as the sort of challenge that I can’t say no to… Thos walls we build around us to protect from the outside also mean that we are imprisoning ourselves on the inside… half the time we just don’t realise that…

I am in a crusade that I call The Journey… I am trying to find a few true points about myself and fix them… well… at leas being able to manage it… Boundaries is one of these points. I am awful with them… and I think the biggest part of my problem is that I don’t really know mine… For example… I am the sort of guy that will travel 200 miles to help a friend, or to meet someone that touches my heart… and I would do that without thinking twice…

See??? I have no idea what my boundaries are… I need to find my limits and make sure I respect them… and to make sure other people respect them too…

THAT is my nightmare… my worst challenge ever in The Journey : To find my boundaries… and to learn to respect them.

This is what moving back to The Attic means to e right now. I had moved to Staines to be closer to the Hayley, the baby and my kids, and at first glance it was great… but then I quickly found myself stepping over Hales’s limits because I couldn’t find mine and ended up stressing her more than helping…

So I am giving one step back to be able to give 2 forward!

We both probably need the space in our heads to be honest…. :)

So here’s what I’m planning to achieve while Im back at The Attic:

  • Finding my own boundaries and limits so I can recognise other peoples as such.
  • Retune my mind and soul… my spirit…
  • Get Action Stations on track!!! That is priority one with baby coming! Specially as it will help me with next step which is
  • Retaking my Ministry… Nope… I am not becoming a pastor… that’t not my call and as so I will not pursuit it… I will however do what I’m called to do!
  • Get my life back in tack!
  • Save on the rent money… (what??? I have a baby on the way… I need the money!!! :-) )

Ho about you? Do you need to give a step back in anything to be able to give steps  forward?

And now my 1st limit… to learn to go to sleep when I feel I need to… hehehehe… any tips??? :-)

Welcome Back to The Attic!!!!!

 


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Losing Friends and Alienating People – Take 2

I am an expert in getting in trouble because I need to act according to what is true in my heart at any moment…

I might not always be right, but I am incapable of acting in the grey zone… Always Black or White… I am too rational for that… Which is also weird because I follow what my heart says a lot more often that I should… I am passionate on what I do… I love with abandone… How on earth do you fit logic into that??? That’s the thing that does my head in the most…

I struggle to find balance.

(more…)


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Lead a Revolution? Rather Join the Rebellion!

I don’t have too many memories of when I was a kid…  I still don’t know if I see that a a bless or a curse… Selective amnesia. My brain has cleverly blocked most my life between the ages of 6 and 14… I remember a few shards of things… clips and snippets… I remember being in protests with my parents where thousands of people participated… in Chile… during the Pinochet dictatorship… I remember people disappearing… I remember taking a can of Tear Gas on my head once and being rushed away as the Carabineros advanced on the group I was with once… I remember basecamp in Tunken and Tierra de Fe  and camping for months at the time… It was fun hunting rabbits and going for horse rides… I stil remember devotional times where over 300 people would simply go quiet and stop wherever they were doing and meditate on the day ahead at the sound of a gong first thing in the morning before getting on with whatever was planned for the day.

I reember Discipline… Almost Militar fashion discipline…

I remember Mission Trips all over south America and our Scout Group.

I remember growing up to the word Revolution being a constant part of my daily life.
I remember not being allowed to play with most kids my age and spending afternoons studying and wishing I could go outside and play. I’ve been told later that I was being groomed to take part of the leadership of the next generation of the MRJ.
I remember having all that taken away from me and having to flee the country back to Brazil where things weren’t too easy for a while…

I don’t remember much from after we went back to Brazil… not until I was about 16 years old…

Your brain is a clever little thing isn’t it?

(more…)


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2 months on and a letter to my Littlest Monkey…

Hey Monkey… Today you are 2 months old… I wish I could be there to hold you...
article post

Don’t push the red button

I haven’t been sleeping much lately… I tend to wake up at some stupid hour in...
article post

Inspiration

We find inspiration in the most unexpected places… But if you are reading tis...
article post

Back to The Attic

I am Back in the Attic! Did you ever hear that sometimes to be able to give 2 steps...
article post

Losing Friends and Alienating People – Take 2

I am an expert in getting in trouble because I need to act according to what is true in...
article post

Lead a Revolution? Rather Join the Rebellion!

I don’t have too many memories of when I was a kid…  I still don’t...
article post