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I can’t breathe…

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You know those days where EVERYTHING seems to be upside down?

That is today… I have been crying a few times since I woke up… Life is nowhere near where I had planned.

Hell, life’s been one complete mess for the past year and a half or so if I am to be completely honest with you. I have no idea what happened to that guy that had a plan, or the one that was “living the dream”… The Rolling Stone as Nat called me a couple of months ago…

“A Rolling Stone Gathers no Moss, and a little green looks good on you”

I have to admit, I was all over the place… but it was by choice. I understand that not a lot of people could understand the logic in my chaos, but I needed that. Part of me still things I need it. I have a nomadic soul and this part of me is craving the freedom that lifestyle gave me.

I even think I was a better dad when I felt the freedom.

I felt more stable… Which is weird, come to think of it… Considering that at the eyes of society I am more stable now.

I’m not… Not the way I see it anyway… I feel like I am blowing relationships out of sheer frustration. I am pushing people I shouldn’t and I am making deals with the devil knowing he will come back and ask for the payment soon.

What is the point of gaining the world and losing your soul? Your peace of mind?

I am so very mad at myself right now that I don’t know how to put it into words…

One side of me wants to pack up and take the road again…

… The other wants to have this stable life by society standards…

I am so fucking confused as to who I am and what I want right now that I wouldn’t know how tho even begin to explain it… I know that is no good, but I feel I need to get it off my chest…

I see the way ahead, and it looks bright… And that scares me… For the first time in a while I can see beyond the end of today… Shouldn’t that make me happy instead of scaring the crap outta me?

My life is a battlefield, and my mind is raging war on my heart in every front…

I saw what I did as I did it… I played my part and ordered the preemptive strike… I did the one thing I knew it would push her away… She was too close to my heart so the little bit in my mind that is so very fucking afraid of being happy went and did it again…

No… I’m not afraid of being happy… I want it, and I want it very much… I am, however, very afraid of having it all swept from under my feet again… THAT is what scares me the most… Because they higher you climb the harder the fall… And I’ve had so many of those in my life that I think I am starting to be afraid of heights.

I need to breathe… Can’t let fear take over… there is too much at stake…

So what now?

Where do we go from here?



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