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I can’t breathe…

You know those days where EVERYTHING seems to be upside down?

That is today… I have been crying a few times since I woke up… Life is nowhere near where I had planned.

Hell, life’s been one complete mess for the past year and a half or so if I am to be completely honest with you. I have no idea what happened to that guy that had a plan, or the one that was “living the dream”… The Rolling Stone as Nat called me a couple of months ago…

“A Rolling Stone Gathers no Moss, and a little green looks good on you”

I have to admit, I was all over the place… but it was by choice. I understand that not a lot of people could understand the logic in my chaos, but I needed that. Part of me still things I need it. I have a nomadic soul and this part of me is craving the freedom that lifestyle gave me.

I even think I was a better dad when I felt the freedom.

I felt more stable… Which is weird, come to think of it… Considering that at the eyes of society I am more stable now.

I’m not… Not the way I see it anyway… I feel like I am blowing relationships out of sheer frustration. I am pushing people I shouldn’t and I am making deals with the devil knowing he will come back and ask for the payment soon.

What is the point of gaining the world and losing your soul? Your peace of mind?

I am so very mad at myself right now that I don’t know how to put it into words…

One side of me wants to pack up and take the road again…

… The other wants to have this stable life by society standards…

I am so fucking confused as to who I am and what I want right now that I wouldn’t know how tho even begin to explain it… I know that is no good, but I feel I need to get it off my chest…

I see the way ahead, and it looks bright… And that scares me… For the first time in a while I can see beyond the end of today… Shouldn’t that make me happy instead of scaring the crap outta me?

My life is a battlefield, and my mind is raging war on my heart in every front…

I saw what I did as I did it… I played my part and ordered the preemptive strike… I did the one thing I knew it would push her away… She was too close to my heart so the little bit in my mind that is so very fucking afraid of being happy went and did it again…

No… I’m not afraid of being happy… I want it, and I want it very much… I am, however, very afraid of having it all swept from under my feet again… THAT is what scares me the most… Because they higher you climb the harder the fall… And I’ve had so many of those in my life that I think I am starting to be afraid of heights.

I need to breathe… Can’t let fear take over… there is too much at stake…

So what now?

Where do we go from here?


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Blue Eyes

I’ll be the first to admit… I am a sucker for big bright eyes… They are windows to the soul, isn’t what what they say?

You see… I have met this girl…

And I could lose myself in her bright blue eyes for a while and never come back. She tells me is because she is the Selfie Queen… And that honestly makes me chuckle…

I love the way her eyes smile… The way they can pierce your soul… I love they way they shine…

There’s a thing though… I’ve never met this girl in person… She’s in my mind and she knows it well… And for someone that has known me for such short time this is both comforting and terrifying… Am I making any sense here?

I can’t remember when or who followed first, but I know I started it. It was a simple “Hi”… And this hi turned into something else… And secrets that flew both ways… Little details that brought up steps that were unexpected… Intimacy that grew so easily it was actually pretty scary at first… And then it just felt natural… Like a puzzle that is put together…

Over the past few days we’ve wished we were together more than once… Wished we could touch each other… Feel each other’s warmth and bodies… I wish it was THAT easy…

I’m still figuring out what to say… I’m figuring out WHAT I can say about her… We are still figuring out what we are going to do about the way we feel…

I see where we are going, and I can see it being pretty awesome… I just wish there weren’t so many curves in the way… She says the curves make it fun, and I won’t disagree… But after my last try (I might have to elaborate on that one sometime soon), and a whole year or curves and hoops, I just wish it was simpler…

Me being me, though, I’ll stand and wait… I need to see where this new adventure goes… And deep inside, I hope this is a long chapter in the book that is my life.

Right now though, I am smiling… I am as content as I haven’t been in a while…

And, right now,  I can’t wait to lock my eyes into her big blue eyes…

 

 


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Old Habits…

Wow… I haven’t written here in a while…

I had sort of given up on Blogging in a personal level… Was feeling burnt out with everything going on in life.

So much has happened in the past year that I don’t think I know where I’d start to be honest…

I took a year off, tried to get rid of my wanderlust by backpacking for a year… If feels like I’ve only made it worse when I had to cut it short after injuring my back… Come to think of it… I feel the road is calling again…

I spent 4 months in Brazil… The country has changed so much! And the current president(a) has screwed things up sooooooo much too!

The monkeys have grown so much… Every time I see them they seem to be a little taller or a little more grown up… Still monkeys tho… That I don’t think is changing anytime soon… I’ll elaborate better with time.

I fell in love… Wit a VERY complicated young lady that currently lives 5000 miles away from me… And we had a 1 year long complicated and toxic long distance relationship. It ended about 2 months ago when I found out what we had wasn’t as exclusive as it should be… I can take a beating in a lot of areas… But THAT is one thing I can’t take… Trust… If I can’t trust someone I’m with I can’t be with this someone…

I’ve Reopened UrbanVox limited. We are now focusing in Story Telling. Re-imagining marketing, PR for a Social Media generation… Growing slowly but growing still.

I went back to school! Well… Sorta. I’ve been selected for an MBA Program that will be running until December… So much stuff I have to refresh in my mind and so much new stuff has changed since I left school!

I’ve also met someone new recently… Still VERY early stages and a story I might need to be careful saying to protect her identity if I ever blog about her… But she’s got my full attention… Haven’t smiled so much in a while.

Life has an annoying habit of throwing you curve balls every now and again… Right now I am enjoying it tho… In most aspects of my life… And think I might start blogging here again more often… I have LOTS to tell…

Right now tho, I need to go and have a shower and leave… Have a diary full of appointments for this afternoon… HOORAY!

Anyway…

Hasta la vista….

 


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thumbnail #silentsunday : SNOW zoom
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thumbnail #silentsunday: ghost in the shell zoom
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#sinfulsunday

I was here thinking…
There are too many photos of you twitter girls in a bath these days… Actually… No… No such thing as too many photos of gorgeous women in baths with glasses of wine… Silly me… Keep them coming and all…

But in homage to you all gorgeous women of the internet… Here goes a man version…

20121225-132636.jpg

Like my duck??? 😉
I think I need another beer… :-)

Carpe diem

Sinful Sunday


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Priorities…

I’ve been feeling Lost lately… Life seemed to be taking a direction and pieces slotting into position and I could actually see where I wanted to get and the way to get there…It was clear as the light of day…

And then BOOM…

I have to admit that the latest happenings hit me like a left hook straight to the temple… I’ve lost my direction a little… A variable that I either chose to ignore or didn’t account for was introduced into the mix, and that unbalanced the formula…

Call me insensitive… But I can’t afford not to be insensitive right now… I need to recollect that last bit of logic inside my brain and put it to use… The world won’t stop turning because someone decides to jump out…

Reason I could see clearly where I was going was exactly because I took decisions and acted on them…

Too late to go back on them…  I can’t stop right now, not again…

I’ve been told my sons need the stability right now… This is what I can do right now… and if in a few days, weeks, months the formula needs to be changed, then so be it… I will cross the bridge when I get there… Indecision won’t take me anywhere…

I am making my move…

I heard the text bellow from a Mentor and friend once and someone just posted it on Facebook…

“A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if th

e jar was full. They agreed that it was.The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.”

I think I need to remember that more often… Review my priorities…  Find my Golf Balls again and get the pebbles and sand on their right places… And remember that life is not worth living if we take it too seriously… All work and no play… Time to pour some beer in the mix…

I might call a few friends this week… Even it it’s not beer, but coffee that we end up having…

Yes, there are bad things happening and I am not going to ignore them… but there are plenty good things FINALLY happening in my life too, and I simply CAN’T and WON’T ignore them either…

Life is too serious and dull…Too short… It is our duty to make it fun!

Make it so!


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I can’t breathe…

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Priorities…

I’ve been feeling Lost lately… Life seemed to be taking a direction and...
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