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Fine Again #BlackDog

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You can accuse me of many things, but you can’t accuse me of not feeling.

You see, I have problems sometimes understanding feelings. Most of the time I don’t understand mine, they just happen and as much as I try to rationalize them, to understand them, I can’t quite grasp their concept.

The way I was raised thought me to analyze everything around me, and most of the time I can read people as a book. I understand their reactions and some times I can predict them before they can do it themselves. Is a simple question of logic. But I can’t understand feelings…

And no, it is not because I can’t feel them myself, if nothing else, I feel them too much, but the fact as that, most of the time, they simply make no sense.

Maybe they aren’t supposed to be understood, just… Felt…

I’m feeling a little crowded, bot outside and inside my head. I need my own space again…

There is always a constant turmoil of things and feelings in The Upper Room. It’s always been like that and I guess I am used to have the 100 voices screaming in every direction and demanding attention. After a while you learn to ignore them and focus on what is important at some time or another in the time and place that you are on.

There are days though, when all the discipline you may have accumulated in your life fails. You simply have no strength to carry on… And you fall apart.

This is one of those days to me. The voices have been haunting me, punishing me for things I promised myself, for things I did  and said, mistakes I’ve made and showing me the dark side of where I am today. Demanding I end the pain… One way or another.

Truth to be told… I’m scared.

I hate to admit that, but I think I need to be rescued from myself…

I know, in the end, I am the only one that can do it, but… Is there a hero out there?

And I haven’t noticed this until I looked at the songs I’ve been playing all morning.  Once again, music comes along to my aid, and once again it helps me understand how I feel… What I feel… Well… Sorta…

There is so much I need to say, but I simply haven’t got the words to match the feeling… This is bugging me. The logic side of my brain is telling me things that the side in my brain that cares is fighting with all it’s strength to hold on to dear life…

The uncertainty of tomorrow is killing me and ,right now, If I don’t do something about it in at least ONE area in my life I might as well just let it happen… No… that’s not acceptable…

One day I will be fine again…

Until then , I just need to remember to keep my head above the water…

Breathe deep, and keep going, right?

 

Hast la Vista!

 

 

 



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